We all can help victims, survivors of abuse

It seems as though each day the news carries another story about a woman being murdered in our state.

Twelve women and three children have been murdered in Oregon in less than two months. The community is asking why.

Women's crisis centers, like Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service, are trying to answer those questions and support the victims and survivors in our community.

The news is filled with all kinds of guesses as to why someone would murder their intimate partner and then kill themselves — and what a person can do if someone whom they care about seems to be with someone who is coercive and controlling. Unfortunately, much of the information being put forward is full of myths and only leads to bad advice for victims and excuses for abusers.

Why people abuse

Here is what we know, based on the voices of tens of thousands of victims in our 36-year history.

It is not about anger: Although abusers will appear to be in a rage or angry, they are very much in control of their actions. We know this because he can stop when the phone rings or someone knocks on the door.

He is only doing these abusive actions in secret to the person he says he loves. He often uses target punching and kicking (only leaving bruises in places that are less likely to show). When he escalates to visible injuries, he no longer believes he will be held accountable.

It is not about tension or stress:

Every person has tension and stress in their lives. This does not lead to abuse. A non-abusive person will never hurt or threaten someone because stressful things are going on in their lives.

It is not about the state of the economy:

This has been blamed for many of the recent murder-suicides. Yes, economic times are difficult, but non-abusive people would never take someone else's life over the issue of money.

Violence is a choice the abuser makes to have power and control over someone they say they love. Abusive men believe they have the right to control where someone else goes and what they do.

They will use whatever level of threats or violence to get what they want from their victims. Murder-suicides are the ultimate in power and control: He kills her, the children or other family members, but no one can hold him accountable for his actions.

A long process

As a caring person, your first inclination may be to say "Get out, get out now." While this seems like the right answer, it may actually create an even more dangerous situation for the victim.

Leaving an abuser is not an event; it is a process. She needs to figure out how she can leave in such a way that she, and her children if she has them, will be safe.

Keep in mind, the abuser is most likely threatening to hurt her, her children, other family members or co-workers. She may believe she is protecting others by staying.

She may also believe she will lose her children if she leaves. Research has shown that a majority of abusers seek sole custody of their children, and many receive it. This is often because he has done everything he can to undermine her as a mother, including telling others she is unfit as a mother, a crazy liar or the abuser.

What you can do

1. Assure a victim it is not her fault and you believe her when she tells you she is being abused.

Support her even if she makes decisions you believe you would not make in a similar situation. Remind yourself you do not have all the information necessary to make determinations about what the safest actions are for her to take at this time.

Only she knows the safest course for her and her children. This may include staying for now in order to put a long-term safety plan into place.

2. Let her know there are services that can help. Twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year, the Mid-Valley Crisis Service is available to help safely plan for if she stays or if she leaves.

She can call us at (503) 399-7722 or toll free at (866) 399-7722. She can talk to us about safe shelter, support groups, 911 cell phones and many other services. She can come into our office Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., and meet with an advocate.

3. Become informed of the warning signs, the dynamics of domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking, and the tactics abusers use against their victims. Information is available at www.mvwcs.com.

Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service and the Marion County Domestic Violence Council will hold a community forum on "Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault and Stalking in the Workplace" on Jan. 26 at the Salem Public Library, 585 Liberty St. SE, in the Loucks Auditorium. The doors will open at 6 p.m. and the educational program will be held from 6:30 to 8 p.m.

4. Support programs like Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service. This can be as easy as bringing in your old cell phone, donating items for the shelter like paper, cleaning supplies and diapers, or making financial donations to keep the shelter and crisis line available to thousands of victims each month.

5. Advocate for legislative changes that will support victims and hold abusers accountable. Research done by Portland State University has shown Marion County should have a minimum of 30 advocates to meet the current needs in our county.

Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service currently has 10.5 FTE staff who work long hours to offer 24-hour crisis line, safe shelter, support groups, transitional housing and community education every day in the mid-Willamette valley.

Contact Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service today if you have questions or want to volunteer. We invite each of you to join us in the effort to end domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking.

Together, we can make a difference for victims and survivors in our community.

Jayne Downing of Salem is the executive director of the Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service.