CSCS: A Survivor's Perspective on Rape

Article by Theresa Huggins

As a rape victim I have found sympathy from others, but as a felon and a wife of a felon I have found none. When I speak to people about my rape the most common thing that people say is "you didn't deserve it" but no one says that about the violence I have experienced during the times I spent in jail. Instead they say I'm to blame. What I hear is: rape was OK as long as it is in the name of "justice."

I was raped when I was 12 years old. I thought I was being cool by taking a ride to the store with a cute man. That night in bed I cried myself to sleep. I took my pillow and stuffed it over my mouth so that my sister, who slept in the other bed in my room, couldn't hear me. I decided that I would rather be dead than to ever let that happen to me again. When I woke the next day I got up, got dressed and went to school. I didn't speak about it for a long time.

For the next 5 years my mother and I argued all the time. I ran away, got expelled from school, and drank everyday until I ended up in Hillcrest (Juvenile Detention Facility) for assault. When I got out I began shooting up drugs. I drank, partied, shot dope and fought anyone who I thought was trying to hurt me, which was most everyone. I met my current husband 2 weeks after his release from prison. Nine months later he got sent back to prison.

Waiting for someone I loved was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, for two reasons. First, most people think you shouldn't wait for someone, so I received little understanding. And second, I found that most people believe that when we send someone to prison we increase their chances of being raped, abused, assaulted or murdered. It's common knowledge. On TV an angry man say's, "He'll get his" because he's going to prison; or a talk show host cracks a joke that "a prisoner's life is all about never dropping the soap." What is it that they are talking about? Rape, isn't it?

I found it difficult to control my anger. I got in a fight with the police back then. When the police got me to the jail they stripped me naked and put me in a room, shackled, with only a hole in the floor for a toilet. Some of you have had your clothes forcefully removed from your body, and know what that feels like. I felt like I was being raped again. Afterward, two male officers came to the door and said, "If you ask nicely we'll take those chains off. I screamed back, "Take 'em off mother***!!!" Six officers came busting in the door, slammed me to the ground, and removed the chains. For the next few days they withheld food asking me to "say please." I kept screaming, "F* you!" One afternoon a female officer asked me why I was acting this way. I asked her if she was married. She said yes, so I said, "How would you like to tell your husband that some men tore your clothes off and you didn't do anything but say please?" She gave me an overcoat to wear and I stopped screaming.

As a survivor, I struggle every day to hold back the anger that I feel, but I recognize that we all are only trying to defend ourselves. I have come to realize it is anger at crime that creates laws like Measure 11. I have learned that if we continue to defend ourselves with anger we will continue to commit crimes against each other, because I have seen the extent our horror and anger can create. Approaching crime with anger does not stop crime from happening. It does the opposite. It creates a world where violence is not only tolerated but encouraged, and is seen as the solution to problems, instead of the root of the problem.

"Survivor Perspectives" has been carried over from SAFES' publication SAFESpace. The author, Theresa Huggins, is a long time SAFES/ Crime Survivor for Community Safety (CSCS) member.

This article originally appeared in the Fall 2004 issue of Justice Matters.