Forgiveness: The *F* Word

Saying that we advocate for survivors of serious and violent crime and work with people with criminal convictions often leads to some confusion. People mistakenly think that what we are advocating for is that people just all learn to forgive each other.

In forgiving, people are not being asked to forget. On the contrary, it is important to remember, so that we should not let such atrocities happen again. Forgiveness does not mean condoning what has been done. It means taking what happened seriously...drawing out the sting in the memory that threatens our entire existence. - Bishop Desmond Tutu

Saying that we advocate for survivors of serious and violent crime and work with people with criminal convictions often leads to some confusion. People mistakenly think that what we are advocating for is that people just all learn to forgive each other. Forgiveness is a powerful and important spiritual idea; many world religions and philosophers have discussed it. Change made possible by forgiveness is weakened because of popular myths about the subject. I want to quickly dispel three myths about the role of forgiveness in restorative or transformative justice.

MYTH: People just have to learn to forgive and forget.

Nothing about working for transformative justice means that we force people to 'learn how to forgive.' Forgiveness can never be imposed on anyone, or required of anyone. Forgiveness can be very liberating for survivors after we have been harmed by someone. But often, we are encouraged to forgive by people who are uncomfortable seeing our pain, or watching us adjust to the consequences of another's choices. It's important not to confuse forgiveness with minimizing -- telling a survivor that the offense is so slight that it should be forgotten.

MYTH: The goal of restorative justice is forgiveness.

The goal of transformative justice is to help people learn how to interact without harming each other further. That might involve forgiveness, but it does not have to. Forgiveness is a great tool, but not a goal. The goal is a healthy, safe family or community. A pair of pliers is very handy, and I keep some in my car, but they don't help me if my car is out of gas. To say that forgiveness is the goal puts all the responsibility on the person who has been harmed to re-build community, rather than sharing that burden among different people.

MYTH: Forgiveness is something bestowed on an offender.

When we choose to forgive, it is more for us than for the person who is going to be 'forgiven.' Many people who have let go of the anger they feel towards someone who has hurt them talk about feeling liberated, unburdened. It has been wisely said that forgiveness means letting go of hopes for a better past. It opens the door on a new future. The process of forgiving can teach us a lot about ourselves, and is more about us than the person who we are learning to forgive.

Knowing the positive effects of forgiveness, some people then tell a survivor: "you should move on" or "you should let this go," as if forgiveness is the aspirin one takes to make a headache go away. There is nothing that simple about it.

When forgiveness is pressured it is based on releasing someone from responsibility for their hurtful actions, or ignoring our uncomfortable feelings. That is not advancing the cause of transformative justice. Transformative justice is about paving the way for new relationships and choices that are not so hurtful, not ignoring things because they are 'yucky.' Violence does cause real and lasting harm in the lives of all involved, sitting with that pain, not ignoring it, is more likely to cause healing in the long run.

In short, if you tell someone that they 'ought' to forgive someone, it is not likely to create the result you are asking for. Go find the people and places in your life that need tending instead, and try to be supportive while your friends find their own paths to healing from harm.

If you really think that forgiving is important, the best way to demonstrate that is by forgiving as deeply and as often as possible, not by telling other people that they need to learn to forgive.

This article originally appeared in the Fall 2004 issue of Justice Matters.